hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Drunk is not a location!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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