Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
it's like heaven, but drunker
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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