Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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