i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
