Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
