Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
