some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
