just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
