I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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