you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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