I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
