the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
