The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.