well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
