she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
