the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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