Swine flu. Run for my life!
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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