yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
