I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
