I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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