I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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