you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
your like the ambassador to my penis.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
