I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
