Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
