Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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