He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
