There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
