he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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