But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
