and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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