Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
