I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
