Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
