I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he was CRYING into my vagina
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
And then he peed in my hair
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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