Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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