I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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