I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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