Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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