She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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