i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize
