Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
