I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
