Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
