I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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