y did u give ur computer a hand job?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
