***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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