just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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