How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
