Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
