Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
