There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
