The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
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Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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